It’s not about how much you want something, it’s about whether you think you deserve it or not.
I know I say this all the time, but seriously THE MINDSET IS EVERYTHING. What we believe about ourselves deep down is visible outside. It impacts our posture and behaviours, determining how we treat ourselves and how we’re considered and treated by others. The inner critics putting you down all the time, the limiting beliefs that tell you what’s possible and what’s not can be very expensive. They literally create your reality and the options you (think you) have: how you treat yourself, what you ask for, what you accept and tolerate, what you decline.
This is why working hard to get what you want is not enough. You also need to work on what you believe you deserve, because if you think you don’t deserve what you want, you’ll avoid getting it. You’ll catch yourself declining the offer or saying yes and losing it later (because maybe you also don’t believe it can last, so it won’t).
I experienced this with many things in my life, but especially with money. Every time I felt I didn’t deserve to be paid more (or paid at all) I refused the money. I felt like I was holding something that I didn’t deserve, as an impostor. I felt guilty and I was scared of the potential consequences – like being judged a bad person, someone who tries to get away with something – so I made sure to give it away as soon as possible. Even when it was clear (to everybody else) that I deserved the money. Does it sound familiar? Well, this is the cost of letting some wrong beliefs drive our lives.
When you believe you are not good enough, you behave as if it was true. As if it was an evidence. So you behave and interact in a way that confirm what you believe. As a result, others treat you that way too.
But here’s the truth about this: we’re all born being good enough and whoever or whatever made us believe something different was wrong. Becoming good enough isn’t about changing who we are. It’s about discovering it instead, changing what we believe about ourselves and rewriting our standard to more human ones. It’s a process that includes learning self-compassion and stop being so hard with ourselves. So if you feel dissatisfied about how others treat and consider you, it’s time to have a closer look at what you believe you deserve.
“The way to get a million bucks, is to feel like a million bucks.”
GIVING AND RECEIVING
So many women like me and you are great in giving. I’m sure you know how to give and be generous, the struggle is how to do the same with yourself. Because it’s not about giving, it’s about believing you deserve at least as much as others (because you do).
And here you can stumble upon another belief, often inherited: this idea that sacrificing for others is good. That being selfless and settling for less is being a good person, because we trade our desires for the feeling of being selfless and useful.
Once we give away our desires and work hard to help others, just to hear how grateful they are, we set ourselves for dependency, unhappiness and resentment. I have a better idea.
How about taking responsibility over your beliefs, what they are and the price you’re paying for them? How about working to change them into something more supportive and helpful?
If you’re ready to work on this, take your notebook and get started with this exercise:
Pick a page for every aspect of your life: work, relationships, self-time, health, etc. For each one of them, start rating how satisfied you are in this aspect of your life, using a scale from 1 to 10. Now take the first one and answer the following questions:
- How do you feel about this area of your life? What feeling comes up?
- Are you satisfied with where you are?
- If not, what would feel like the 10 for you?
- Is there anything that need to change or happen to achieve the 10? What is it?
- What do you believe you deserve in this specific area of your life?
- What would give you satisfaction and pleasure in this area?
Once you’ve finished with the first one, proceed until you’ve done it for all the aspects of your life. Then, have a look at what comes up:
- What makes you feel really good in your life?
- What makes you feel unworthy and cheap?
- What needs to change?
It’s all up to you. And you can do this.
I hope this exercise was helpful! What came up for you? Let me know in the comments!