This post is for all the women who keep living a life made of compromises, coping strategies and dissatisfaction and still believe that this is what life is supposed to be. It’s for all the women who, consciously or unconsciously, think they can’t overcome their past wounds and hold back. For the ones who rationalise and tell themselves stories about where they come from and where they are meant to go, as if the past will be the future and nothing can be changed.
I am thinking about my mother, my grandmother and the other strong, beautiful women in my family that never became aware of their qualities, kept believing that they were somehow worth less. The ones who passed on to me their low self-love when I was getting an idea of the world, myself and especially myself in this world. So as you can guess, this post is going to be emotional.
It is while I was growing up, in the delicate phase of building up my own identity, that I learnt something that they learnt as well when they were little girls. Stuff about how a woman is supposed to play small, be quiet, smile always and please people. Sacrifice herself for others and be ready to quit her ambitions, willing to put it aside to support other needs, expectations, other roles that were anyway expected from her. Stuff about my own worth. As a little girl who was blessed with having a twin brother, comparison happened everyday. So I started my hustle for gender equality when I was very young.
I also had an impressive hunger for learning and growing, together with an INNATE STANDARD FOR HIGH QUALITY. I wanted things to make sense to me. I talked about having a life worth the efforts. I was constantly rejected for being different, thinking too much and being too sensitive or deep.
This was when I learnt that if I wanted to be loved and included I had to please others, perfect and perform. And I did it until it worked. In the end I wanted recognition and even when I got it, I understood that it was anyway not enough.And that issue with low self-confidence? I thought it was me. I seriously thought it was because I wasn’t enough. I thought I had to do more efforts, as if love would be subject to conditions. I had no idea that all my problems in life came from not loving and accepting myself as I was.
And I completely ignored that all the problems I had in my life were coming from my low self-confidence.
It took me time and pain to find the courage to work on my self-esteem. I was scared but I knew this had to be solved in order to continue with my life. So I hired some life coaches that didn’t know how to help me specifically on that subject, but believed in coaching as much as I do. And I opened myself to face my own reality, who I was and why it was so difficult for me to accept it, why I insisted on becoming someone else, something more. I became aware that while growing up I had learnt to reject myself autonomously, to take things personally and that I had in place serious strategies to make me feel not good enough. Honestly, the hardest part was to realise the way I treated myself for years. Not others, because they were only a reflection of me.
I learnt new living and loving strategies. I finally accepted myself the way I am – and found it special, special for me, more than enough to be loved. I learnt to listen to myself and take care of my needs. I transformed my life and it lead me to where I am today. Helping others to do the same.
I see so many women everyday, playing small and living a life that is not even a small part of what it could be, of what they are meant for, and forcing themselves to accept it. Telling themselves that it is what it is, to have a good reason to stay in the well-known dissatisfaction instead of choosing the alternative. Because the alternative exists. And this is what I want you to remember from this post.
It may be scary to look at those feelings and stop resisting, and start to calmly accept who you are with love and compassion. But I believe it’s even scarier to waste the opportunity to live life shaped by your desires instead of by your fears. Time is passing by and every day of dissatisfaction is a day wasted, gone in the effort of getting something that – as adult women – we are totally able to give ourselves.
This message is for all the women who think it’s not valid for them, who think they tried it all and there’s nothing to do. It’s a message of hope and love and light, because it’s only looking within that you’ll finally be able to see your amazing beauty still waiting for your permission to shine.
And that’s what I wish for you. Work on your self-confidence and self-esteem and watch your life becoming what you would have never imagined. For our mothers that couldn’t do it, and for our daughters that will be finally empowered to build a different world.